


Herz über Kopf

by laura_arts



Category: Haikyu
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Post-Break Up, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29366877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laura_arts/pseuds/laura_arts
Summary: Their eyes met from across the room.Bokuto’s eyes were so wide, as always so easy to read, Akaashi knew exactly what he was thinking and he couldn’t do it, not here, not now.______________This is inspired by the song Herz über Kopf by Joris
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 5





	Herz über Kopf

Akaashi wondered why he even agreed to tag along in the first place. Osamu said it would be a gathering between some friends, nothing too major. What he failed to mention was that some members of the MSBY team were celebrating. 

There he was, walking through the door, Atsumu by his side and some more beer in his hands, their eyes met, and Akaashi never felt so exposed, so out of place. He wanted to hide, to run away. He couldn’t deal with this.

Seeing Bokuto again after all those years felt like waves crushing over him, shaking him up in the worst was possible. He thought he was over him, it was easy telling that himself when he didn’t have to see him every day for years. He clutched his glass with wine and wanted to turn around and just run.

Bokuto’s eyes were so wide, as always so easy to read, Akaashi knew exactly what he was thinking and he couldn’t do it, not here, not now. He tried so often to understand them, to understand their relationship, but love wasn’t easy and simple. Sometimes it just hurt you and there was nothing you could do.

He should just get his things, say goodbye and go and never look back, but he couldn’t move. It’s like he was being pulled closer, his feet almost moving on their own as he made his way through the room towards him. It’s like he forgot everything that happened between them, throwing his logical thoughts away and moving by instinct. 

It’s almost impossible to stop, his heart telling him to keep going, but his head yelling at him to run away. Bokuto just stood there, clearly not listening to what Atsumu was telling him. 

The music faded into the background, being just white noises at this point to Akaashi. He was so close, too close. Was he really about to talk to Bokuto again after all they went through? Just like that?

He just had to take a couple of more steps when a hand squeezed his shoulder. He turned around to look at Osamu, eyes wide. He knew he was caught. The music rushed back into his ears, his heart beating fast.

“Ya haven’t eaten dinner today, have ya? There’s some warm food in the kitchen.”, Osamu’s eyes quickly met Bokuto’s before turning back to Akaashi. 

“C’mon I bet yer hungry.”

Akaashi didn’t dare to look back, couldn’t look at Bokuto’s eyes. He was too weak for him, he realized that now. Osamu pulled him into the kitchen, grabbing a plate and putting some food on it for him. Akaashi looked down on the wine glass in his hand. 

It was hard, long distance dating. Especially when you were used to being around each other every single day. Akaashi thought they could make it work, that their love was stronger, but it shattered right in front of his eyes. Too many missed calls, too many arguments, too many tears. He watched his star becoming part of a new galaxy, too blinding, too far away for him to reach.

He pressed his lips together, before deciding to drink the rest of his wine in one go. He felt Osamu’s eyes on him, he could already tell that he was concerned, but he also didn’t tell him that Bokuto would be here, so Akaashi just ignored it. He wasn’t in a talking mood either way. 

He looked up to Osamu holding up the plate to him, which he gratefully took.

“Thank you Osamu-San.”, he said, starting to eat his dinner, leaning back against the wall. He sighed, feeling a little better already with some food in his stomach.

“I promised Atsumu that I’d help him with the tables. I’d be right back, yeah? Just stay here.”, Osamu explained, waiting for Akaashi’s response before walking out of the kitchen. Akaashi just stood there, finishing his food and throwing the paper plate away. He grabbed his glass from before and filled it with some tap water, staring straight forward against the wall.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, he knew it would be a waste of time trying to socialize when he would rather be at home on his couch or his bed and read something. He liked the people here, no questions asked, they were all guys he knew from high school, but he never really belonged in this scene.

He decided that it would probably be a good time to say goodbye, he didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. He knew they wanted to have a good time, especially when the season just ended. 

Akaashi hadn’t even realized that the music was playing way more quietly than before once he walked out of the kitchen into the living room, he apparently also missed the point where half of the people left. He looked around, some were just drinking or talking to each other, others were typing away on their phones. Akaashi furrowed his brows.

“Ah! The team just left to get more food and drinks, don’t know why they all went off together though.”, Hinata explained, as he popped up next to Akaashi. He turned his head to look at the smaller man and nodded. 

“We’re just taking a break I guess, opening up some windows and stuff, don’t want the room to get too heated, right? Gotta be responsible now.”, he said with a big grin. Akaashi nodded again, a small smile on his lips.

“Hinata-Kun, this was a rather nice gathering, but I think I’ll better get go-”, he couldn’t finish his sentence, when he saw Bokuto walk out of the bathroom. His breath hitched when their eyes met for a the second time that night.

“Ah Bokuto-San! You were taking forever in there! I’ve been waiting for hours!”, Hinata complained, before walking right past him and into the bathroom, closing the door to leave the two alone. Akaashi bit down on his lip.

From up close he could make out Bokuto’s features better. He hadn’t really changed, was the first thing that Akaashi noticed. Sure he grew up and matured, all of them did, but his hair was still the same, his wide eyes were still full of emotion and determination. He looked the same, and yet like a complete stranger. 

Akaashi gulped when Bokuto closed the space between them, standing in front of him, but with a respectable distance, considerate of Akaashi’s personal space. 

He wanted to flee, to run away. That would be the more logical decision, a cowardly one, but a wise one nonetheless. That is what his head was yelling at least. But his heart was beating so fast, he was afraid it would rip out of his chest, with the pace it was going. His heart was telling him to stay, to get closer, to just grab and never let go. 

“Akaashi.”, his voice was deeper, but still so soft.

“Bokuto-San.”, his own voice was shaky, he didn’t trust himself to say more, afraid his voice would break.

“I- we haven’t seen each other in quite some time… you look good…”, Bokuto started, Akaashi could make out that he was nervous, he always played with the hem of his shirts when he got nervous. He also noticed that he himself started to play with his own fingers and he knew that Bokuto noticed it too.

“Y-Yeah it’s been a few years, hasn’t it?”, he responded, but it was awkward and difficult, being so civil with Bokuto. 

Bokuto gave him a weak smile. “It has.”

And god, Akaashi thought, he hadn’t let go of him even after all those years. He could never let go of him. He took Akaashi’s heart and never gave it back. 

He should go. He should definitely go. But he couldn’t, he missed the moment where he could just turn around and leave already. His feet felt like they were stuck on the floor, unable to move or go anywhere else.

This was a fight between his heart and his head, each of them telling him different things to do, yelling at each other in the process, tearing him up from the inside.

“I’m sorry.”

Akaashi held his breath, looking at Bokuto with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry for how things turned out. You didn’t deserve any of it. I- god. I acted like a complete asshole the whole time while you were just trying to help.”, Bokuto told him and Akaashi wanted to respond, telling him that it was not his fault, but he couldn’t. 

“I didn’t treat you right, and I didn’t deserve you back then. I was too afraid to tell you after we fought for the last time… after we broke up. I should have fought for you. But I guess it wasn’t our time back then.”, he continued, not once looking away from Akaashi, his eyes wide and honest.

“Bokuto-San… it’s alright… we were young and it’s already in the past.”, Akaashi slowly responded.

“But it’s not alright, Akaashi. And I don’t want to leave it in the past.”, Bokuto said, determined. Akaashi’s eyes grew wide.

“What are you talking about, Bokuto-San?”, he asked softly, even though he knew his answer would either crush him or get him into a bigger dilemma.

“I want you to give me another chance, Akaashi.”, he said softly, bowing down in front of him.

“I didn’t deserve you back then and I probably don’t deserve you now, but I changed. I grew up and I promise you I will never treat you that badly ever in your life again. Give me another chance to be yours.”

Akaashi looked at the top of his head, eyes wide and mouth parted. He didn’t know how to respond. 

“Bokuto-San p-please get up.”, he mumbled, pulling at his own fingers. His heart was yelling in glee, telling Akaashi to say yes, to take Bokuto back. But his head was yelling at him to politely decline, he probably wouldn’t survive another heartbreak like that.

Bokuto raised his head, looking directly at Akaashi, his eyes wide and vulnerable. He gulped. 

It was true that their past didn’t work out. They were probably too young, it wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t their time. Maybe this would be the moment where everything changes, where everything changes for the better. But Akaashi couldn’t be sure of it. He had no guarantee.

“Bokuto-San… we both drank tonight… we shouldn’t discuss matters like these.”, he explained, trying to sound steady and unbothered by the war going on inside of him.

“Akaashi what are you talking about, you know we’re not drunk…”, he started, but sighed. 

“No… I understand… but can we talk? Not now or tomorrow, but sometime?”, he slowly asked, suddenly looking small for a 1,92cm tall man. Akaashi couldn’t say anything.

“I… I don’t expect you to take me back and I don’t want to pressure you into anything Akaashi, I just… I noticed that the last few years something was missing in my life, but I didn’t have the courage to look for you. But seeing you today… it made something click into place, you know? I don’t wanna keep living with that missing space. But if you’re over me, I'll understand.”, Akaashi could do nothing but listen to Bokuto ramble on.

“But if there’s a small chance, that you might feel the same, please let us talk? We can just say whatever, about the past about our lives now, whatever you want…”, he finished and looked at Akaashi.

Akaashi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. How could he respond to that? He was an analytical person, always looking for the best solution, and usually his brain would get the best of him, giving him the most logical and useful solution for any situation. But right now his heart was yelling equally loud if not even louder. How could he respond to that?

“Bokuto-San… I can’t decide this now… please give me some time to think about it.”, he slowly said, his voice soft and it surprised him how vulnerable he sounded.

“Of course! I-”, Bokuto stopped himself and nodded. “I’ll wait until you’re ready. If you ever decide to talk to me, you can get my number through Osamu-kun.”, he explained. Akaashi could hear the relief in his voice and see it in his posture. He just nodded. 

“See you Bokuto-San.”, he said softly, and walked past him to retrieve his jacket and case and walked outside, looking into the night sky.

He always admired the stars and having one in his reach was a blessing. Watching his star shine from afar, getting further away from him, hurt him, but he knew that breaking up, choosing darkness over dazzling light was the right decision. He needed to learn to shine on his own before getting close to the other again.

His heart and head are still fighting against each other, starting argument after argument as he watched the night sky, but when he laid in his bed, closing his eyes, he knew that he already made his decision.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first try at writing angst, and I really liked the way it turned out. That song was one of my favourites for years now and I wanted to write a fic about it.
> 
> I hope you liked it! :)  
> xxLaura


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